School Shock

Today was the first day of school, and it dawned with clouds covering the sun: symbolic for my state of being.
Last night, panicking over having to go back and leave Kellen, I grew very irrational.
Brian was at a fantasy football party all afternoon, so I was solo on the boys.
That meant trying to cook, clean, prepare for school, pack lunches, do laundry, all of it with a baby attached to my hip.
Because my boys both didn't like to be put down.
Believing in building self esteem and meeting their needs, I just swing with it.
That means I hold a lot of baby a lot of the time.
* * *
By the time Brian arrived at 7:30, I had pulled all the boxes of clothes out of Kellen's room and was wildly searching for a mouse costume for Halloween. Said costume is a cute fuzzy snowsuit that has teddy-bear ears. Aidan wants to be a character from his favorite novel and wants Kellen to be a little mouse.
"Goodnight little mouse," I quoted from Goodnight Moon as I hunted and hunted...
Brian walked into a room full of overturned boxes and strewn clothing. He looked puzzled when I explained our Quest especially since Halloween is 8 weeks away.

When he asked why I hadn't made him dinner, I got more than a little defensive. Here I was solo parentng AND preparing for school after 9 months, and he wanted me to have cooked something more sophisticated than the macaroni and cheese that Aidan and I had balanced alongside a bowlful of grapes and some ready-made salad.
This, I thought, was asking Too Much.
"You knew I didn't cook when you married me" I said huffily.
* * *
A few grizzly moments later, we had Ironed It All Out as I confessed my horror, shock, and dismay over leaving Kellen.
"Do you think I'm a little nervous," I asked as I prepared to vacuum the corners of the dining room.
I had been beading in the room and was concerned over some stray beads that I couldn't find.
Brian tried to refrain from chuckling.
Even I got into the Spirit of Things and began laughing.
"I think you need to go punch the punching bag in the cellar," Brian said, leading me by the elbow.
I showed that Punching Bag a Thing or Two.
* * *
Granted, it is normal for even a second-time mom to feel Some Anxiety about going back into the world after having spent 9 months nearby her new baby.
And the baby did fine today--sailed right through the day--went to bed like a charm, happy and fulfilled.
I, however, didn't fare as well.
I was distracted in my classes, rambling more than is customary of me, sort of being a little unfocused. At one point I thought I'd forgotten my handout.
* * *
Here is what I learned today:

1) It is best to "let go" and try to be in the moment as much as possible.

2) It is best to not care what others think. My students thought the skateboard was cool. "That's a sweet board," one said. "That is the coolest thing I have ever heard of," another said when I said I was learning to skate.

3) It is best to not care what others think. My colleagues had Other Ideas about the skateboarding. "Having a second childhood are we?" one of them quipped. "Is that yours?" another asked.

4) Relaxing is a Good Thing because when you are not feeling natural, your entire class knows it.

* * *
By 3 p.m., my defenses had worn out when another professor told me that I was just plain "cooler" than him.
"I am having fun," I replied breezily as I shot out the door, skateboard under my arm.
Those few tentative first skates felt a bit odd as I tried to shoot over to my next class.
"That's a good way to get around," a student said as I struggled to pass her.
"Yes but I'm still learning!" I exclaimed as she passed me on foot.
"But you were going fast back there," she encouraged.
She was right. I really was.
* * *
One headache and a class later, I skated through the courtyard to where Brian and the kids were waiting in the car.
I tossed the board into the back and went home to adjust to this Being in School Situation.
I dealt in a way that felt healthy: I went skateboarding.
When Aidan was in soccer practice, I spent half an hour practicing in the park.
I was doing well by the end, truly going fast, turning a bit.
It felt Really Good.
Mostly I was completely in the moment, not caring about others' reactions anymore.
As Brian says, I just have to Go For It if I am going to do this.
But at one point, I noticed a woman laughing at me.
I got a little grumpy before I Just Let It Go.
Five minutes later, her tan car pulled up alongside me.
She rolled her window down, and I realized that she was the owner of the skate shop.
LOL!
She chuckled again. "How's it going?"
"Good!" I said enthusiastically.
It was interesting because in my head I had it that she was laughing because I looked silly.
But really she was laughing because she was happy to see me out there, using the skateboard. Learning. Trying. Discovering.
* * *
May your days be filled with healthful risk-taking, with whatever puts a spring in your step, with whatever gives you light.